I come before you with a heavy heart. A friend of mine and I recently got into a heated debate over a very polarized topic: does pineapple belong on pizza or not? This is an issue that has ripped our nation apart– pitting brother against brother and friend against friend. I shall allow my “friend” to remain unnamed so as not to publicly shame him for his blasphemy, and will instead refer to him as The Unenlightened throughout the following exchange. Some context: this man is sassy, he is sarcastic, and he is ruthless (all of which are reasons why I love his company). So if you ever read a line and wonder, “Wait, is that sarcasm?” The answer is a resounding YES. Our conversation started innocently enough, but it went downhill very quickly…
The Unenlightened: You remember that time on August 5th I texted you and said I was 300 pages into the brothers karamazov? It’s now November 7th and I’m not even to page 500.
Having class is the worst.
Me: TRUTH! I currently have an overdue library book that I have had for about a month and a half (calm down, it’s only overdue by a week) and I have probably read a grand total of 15 pages. It breaks my heart
The Unenlightened: I’m glad you told me to calm down, I was about to absolutely lose my cool.
Me: I’m looking out for ya. Don’t want your blood pressure to spike too high over library book fees.
The Unenlightened: Careful, that thirty cents can be a backbreaker.
Me: You know what I could do with that 30 cents??
Leave it in the carpet of my car for the next 15 years with the rest of my loose change… but still. It’s the principle of it.
The Unenlightened: That’s your thirty cents to do what you want with.
That loose change comes in handy. Like when your campus ministry holds a coin drive for hurricane relief but it also serves as a competition to decide whether pineapple belongs on a pizza
Me: That is an oddly specific scenario
The Unenlightened: But a plausible one
Me: The more important question is did you uphold truth and righteousness? Or did you vote against pineapple?
The Unenlightened: On a related note, UGA ccf is officially against pineapple on pizza
Tell me you’re kidding
Me: PINEAPPLE ON PIZZA IS A GIFT TO MANKIND
The Unenlightened: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Me: Umm, I don’t have boring, old man tastebuds and appreciate complex variety in my food?
and idk… I’M NOT A FREAKING MONSTER WHO HATES ALL THINGS PURE AND DELICIOUS
The Unenlightened: OUR FOREFATHERS DIDN’T DIE FOR US TO PUT FRUIT ON OUR PIZZA
AND DON’T YOU DARE SAY TOMATO, WE ALL KNOW THAT’S A TECHNICALITY
Me: Well, you know who hates pineapple on pizza? Communists… ya frickin commie
The Unenlightened: Communists don’t even have pizza
Me: You’re telling me. I mean, can you even call a pizza without pineapple on it a pizza at all??
The Unenlightened: You know where they don’t have pineapple? ANYWHERE PIZZA WAS INVENTED
Me: Oh, and expanding on a good thing to make it better is now inherently wrong?
The Unenlightened: Revelation 22:18 [NOTE: the verse says, “I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll.”]
Me: Who hurt you so you couldn’t love?
The Unenlightened: I’ve tasted and seen the sweetest of loves. Pineapple wasn’t involved
Me: Then what you’ve experienced wasn’t love, only a mere shadow of it. You, my friend, are chained in a cave. You’re stuck thinking that your 2D world of gray and stone is all there is. If you could only break free and step into the real world, you would find the loving embrace of pineapple on pizza and the goodness of truth. ~direct quote from Plato
The Unenlightened: Guess what fruit wasn’t around in ancient Greece
Me: I’m sorry, WERE YOU THERE?
…. It was at this point that my friend and I stopped speaking to each other and haven’t spoken since. Is it too late for our relationship to be restored? Only time (and a major change of heart on his part) will tell.
I would tell you to chime in on the debate in the comments… but you either agree with me or you’re wrong on this one. So keep your hate to yourself. 😉
Until next time,
Categories: Funny Conversations
I'm nobody with the urge to be somebody and a gift for telling stories. My hope is to use this site to hone my writing for a wider audience than college professors and family friends. So cheers to you, dear reader! Please let me know what you think